Moment of Clarity

Truth is unavoidable. We feel as we interact with others throughout the day. When we see a man get angry and hit his wife in public. When we see someone ignore a homeless person as if they didn’t exist. When we see a woman yell at a cashier for making a mistake. When we see a person spending excessive amounts of money on a car or a night out at the club. Certain behavior just doesn’t look or feel right.

Moments of clarity come and go, and it is crucial for me to recognize when they are influenced by my desire for excess and ease. I want the easy way out. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to persevere and push when it gets difficult. I want to feel good now and be provided for. I don’t want to worry and problem solve. I want to relax, I want to be at peace. In my last post I described moments of clarity that I have had. Aspects of these come from a true source, and aspects of this “clarity” are influenced by a destructive desire for instant gratification. This destructive desire disguises itself as truth, and rationalizes why getting things handed to me, with more or less no effort on my part, is beneficial, desirable, and preferred to the path of working and earning what I seek to achieve. When I am influenced by destructive instant gratification, any conclusions and clarity I think I have come to are based on a false premise, and as such their validity is questionable. Resistance is essential, work is essential, persevering through difficulty is essential to growth, to developments, to true achievement and satisfaction.

I do not want free money. I want the best for myself, I want to grow, I want peace. I must earn my bread. I must make tough decisions. I must take risks, feel uncomfortable, I must push myself farther than I think I can, in order to attain maximal satisfaction from whatever I am working towards. Whatever I am looking to achieve.

When scaling a mountain, I must take each step, search for the right path, get lost, fall down, get scared, get discouraged, find the strength to continue the climb. I must pull myself up the steep side of the cliff, stake after stake, until I reach the top. When I get to the top I catch my breath, my body hurts, I am tired, I rest. When I regain my strength I look around and am in awe at the view from so high up, the clouds that seem so close, the patches of snow and trees, and the way the sun makes the ground sparkle in patches on the land below me. I can’t believe I made it here, that I pushed myself through the pain, through the difficulty, and succeeded in reaching the top – earning this breathtaking view, earning the ability to see the world in a way that I never had before. I am proud of myself, proud of my dedication, proud of my strength.

If I didn’t make the climb myself, and was brought to the top in a helicopter, the view would still be breathtaking, but would I appreciate it in the same way, would I appreciate myself in the same way? Would I appreciate the intensity of where I stand, the immense height of the peak, would I appreciate this moment of peace and awe in the same way, had I not experienced the danger and difficulty of the climb?

I need to work! I need to earn my material. I need to earn my spirituality. I need to push through when I feel alone, when I doubt everything I have done up until this point, when I am discouraged, when I make mistakes. I need to feel all the emotions, process them, think, and as a result learn and grow into the person I was meant to be.

We live in a world of work, a world of action. A lot of the time I would rather be on vacation at an all-inclusive resort where waiters frequently check-in to see if there is anything I need, where the entertainment is provided for me, where everything is beautiful and effortless and simple. What part of me wants this? Is it a bad part? Is it a lazy part? Is there a healthy desire to feel good driving this seemingly spoiled thought? I want to feel good, feel provided for, feel satisfied, feel entertained, feel heard, feel protected, feel like I understand what’s going on around me, and I want to get all these things in the easiest way possible. This is my human, material, superficial nature. And perhaps, the voice that wants everything easy and right now, if I listen to it, will actually destroy me. Will prevent me from ever feeling true satisfaction. Will prevent me from growing into the person I was meant to be. I must choose to struggle. I must make decisions in discomfort. I must push through pain, and ideally, appreciate how pain enables me to grow. I must use this realization, I must use my intellect, to overcome my immature, material, destructive desires.

Is there a perfect person? Is there a perfect version of myself? I think there is a perfect version of myself. I have a soul that is composed of specific fundamental attributes and traits. There are activities and thoughts that I am passionate about, that I like more than others. There are activities that I am better at than others, that come naturally to me. There are thoughts and concepts that are easier for me to comprehend than others. There are aspects of my personality that appear dominant. There are values and behaviors that I prioritize above others. I am a unique and specific person. I have many things in common with all humans, I am composed of the same ingredients, just in different ratios.

I have an unrelenting desire to figure out my ratios. What do I want to do with my life? What am I passionate about? What do I love? What makes me smile? What is my mission? The perfect version of myself pursues this search. The perfect me recognizes that, so long as I am on the path of being rigorously honest with myself and searching for what makes me truly happy, so long as I ask for help from others and use the appropriate tools, so long as my intentions are pure and focused on goodness, love, and peace – I moving in the right direction.

I do not know what other people’s missions are. I only know that deep down I just want to be a good person, be loved, love, increase the positivity, laughter, smiles, and warmth surrounding me, help people love themselves, help others in general, and be happy. I am searching for how I can do this because I am not sure how to use my time in the most effective way in order to accomplish these. I feel I am moving in the right direction, that I am slowly revealing my answer. There is an answer, I am a specific person with specific DNA, specifically designed with specific interests and specific strengths and defects and disadvantages. How do I use everything I have and everything I don’t have to my benefit? How do I live my best life?

I must get to know myself and take action along my path to perfection. I have to pursue the right goals, works toward the right mission, take the actions and think the thoughts that are appropriate for myself, for my purpose. I do not have to suffer. I should not have everything handed to me. I have to work. I have to clean my room. I have to eat in the right amount. I have to stay clean and sane. I have to be healthy. I have to respect myself. I have to listen to my inner voice. I have to take risks. I have to persevere. I have to take a personal inventory to ensure my intentions are pure and that my actions reflect my values. I must take action against resistance. I must put in effort and work. I must earn my achievements. Only then will they be mine, only then will they be a reward, only then will they have the impact they are meant to have.

With every decision I make, I create a new wave, a new movement, a new world. My every action has a reaction. I must do work in order to benefit myself and the world. I must do work in order to approach my perfect self. I must do work in order to perfect the world.